Excerpted from the Modern Astrologer Almanack. Written in 1635 by Nicholar Culpeper after getting home from the pub.
Saturn is now in Capricorn. It is our chance to be disciplined, work hard and master time. If we are already disciplined we will get even more disciplined, obviously, because well, I am an astrologer, I read books about transits and what I say is basically true for everybody; no need of a chart at all.
Saturn in an earth sign indicates we may also receive a goat and a wheelbarrow full of mud as a gift at some point. If we are farmers, great. If not, we may make an altar using the mud and sacrifice the goat so that god may learn how to give the right gifts to the right people.
Saturn symbolizes patience. So, if a goat and mud are problematic, be patient; Saturn will enter Aquarius in a couple of years and we will receive a visit from a barely dressed lady carrying a pitcher of water, because by then we will be wanting to wash the mud off.
Saturn, also known as Kronos, the god of time, is retrograde so time is actually going backwards, whether you notice it or not, so now is the time to go back and fix all the stupid things we have done in the past. Alas, a string of Mercury retrograde periods will continue being a problem and our clocks won’t quite work the way they should. That is the problem with dealing with such a great malefic.
Above all, we have another chance to parrot nonsensical astrological ideas and spin stories that have no foundation in reality; because for many astrologers there is really no difference between physics, metaphysics and symbology. They interchange their laws at will and make an entertaining mess out of what could be called astrology.